A First Time Mom at 39...

"PUT ON THE BEST LOVE, MY GREATEST LOVE"

I was 39. I was about to lose hope that motherhood is not really meant for me. I was not married. How could that be?

I might be lucky in some things but I was not lucky in LOVE. I had my own share of broken hearts and broken dreams, “WHAT Ifs?” and “IF ONLYs”. I just couldn’t find the man who would change my family name to his’. Well, I have accepted that if it’s really my fate. To be alone.. But there was still one thing that can make my life complete--- I want to be like those women who were blessed with children, I want to be a mother, married or not. One baby will be more than enough. Baby GIRL if possible. ( Haha, maybe I was asking too much?) 
I prayed a lot and I prayed hard--- That God will make my dream that someone will call me MOMMY, come true someday. I prayed for it almost every night, prayed at every new church that I went to. I was getting worried and almost gave up. Imagine a lady still single at 39 without a boyfriend? But I said to myself that I should never give up, there is still hope as long as my biological clock is still ticking.
God is good all the time because 1 day He sent me the man who became His instrument to grant me my biggest wish. Funny and hard to believe because I just saw his message while I was chatting with Yahoo Messenger. He said he wanted to meet me. I asked him how did he get my yahoo name. He said, it just came up while he was searching for someone to talk to. And the rest is history. But I strongly believe that he is my answered prayer.
Then I got pregnant in a foreign land where pregnancy for unwed woman is punishable by law. The government will put you in jail when they discovered that you are pregnant and single. I can’t imagine myself that my 3 trimesters of pregnancy will be spent inside the jail and my most awaited baby will be taken away from me immediately after birth. The saddest thing is, I will be deported and will never ever see my baby again. So I was very careful not to let people know. I did not want to get married just because of that. I want to marry for the right reasons. I was lucky because I was able to have prenatal check up without being asked if I was single or married. Thanks to my age! I waited until I was 4 months pregnant and decided to come back home, after making sure from my OB that it was fine to travel by plane at that stage of my pregnancy, leaving behind the father of my baby. I was not sure what is in store for us but I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. 

1-11-2011. 1 month and 1 week before I turned 40 when the realization of my dream came to the outside world. The ultimate source of my new found happiness, my strength, my life, my everything! A baby GIRL! (A bonus, wow!) I was not sure of my baby’s gender because the ultrasound did not clearly show. I named her SHARLEEZ. It’s a Muslim name which means “BEAUTIFUL”. 
And my journey to MOTHERHOOD begun. A first time mom at 39 who suddenly became confused and afraid of how I will take care of my newborn baby. Where are the skills that I learned from being a nurse? I was left alone on the first night after we went out of the hospital because my sister needed to go home. My caesarian wound was still fresh and aching but I managed to do everything that night from making milk formula to changing diapers and everything else. So small, so brittle, so delicate. That was how I looked at my baby then. I could stay awake for the whole night just staring at her, making sure that no mosquito can get near to her. 

Every moment was a reminder that maybe I have done something very good in this lifetime to be gifted with such a beautiful baby girl. Every moment is a memory to be treasured. Thousands of pictures were taken since she was born because I want to have a remembrance of her growing years, her every stage of growth and development properly documented. Even her ultrasound photos were filed properly. I want her to see those someday and make her feel that she is being loved and taken care of since the day she was conceived. 
Time flew so fast, 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 1st birthday, 2nd birthday. Those times I really wish can be relived because taking care of your precious baby is one of those priceless things that even the richest person in the world cannot buy from the market. 

Now my life is complete. There is nothing in this world that you can compare to the feeling of being a mother. Sharleez made me feel so proud since the day she was born. She is growing smart and more beautiful each day. I will do everything in my power to protect, guide and support her to give her a good life. PRAYERS really do miracles. I couldn’t ask for more…

Yes, it has been 2 years, 1 month and 6 days since I was given the most wonderful gift on earth for my 40th birthday. Those days are the best days of my life. And guess what? Sharleez is still the only best gift that I got today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!